< hmmm... >
There are things I really, really want to do when I put everything on the line, going at it tooth-and-nail. Some of my friends say that I am at my best when I take to my fighting form, when my self-imposed desperation takes the better of me. Like my thesis: to be honest, I was a walking act of desperation during those days.
And here I am in yet another desperate attempt: making a technical paper that condenses my 366-page thesis into eight pages for submission to an international conference. I've been at it for a couple of weeks now, and somehow, I'm nearing that point when my better half emerges. Whether or not I deliver is out of the question: I'm in a position where the beginning of my career is at stake.
Desperation... near-total obsession, I say. Forget near-total: I'm obsessed. Really obsessed. I'm on my way to fulfilling not only a dream, but something I'm hell-bent on doing. I've got a lot of proving to do to people who have thought that I'm going to amount to nothing at the end of the day, that I'll eventually be a mere flake of ash left over from a blaze of obscurity. No way, man. Not now. Not ever.
This is exactly what I felt when I submitted my thesis last week: like N*Sync's "Pop," or perhaps a lingering affliction of herpes, I wouldn't close chapters just yet on chaos I start, or find myself in the middle in.
Yup, there's only me, a stray tumbleweed, a technical paper, and the bureaucracy that is the foreign service that stands between me, Seattle, and my dream-like obsession. And if it doesn't work out the way I would rather like it, there is always another way.
Invenimus viam aut faciemus.
June 10, 2015 02:22 PM PDT
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